


The Bane of Protectiveness

by AceOfTheFandoms



Series: Rachel!! [9]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Janus can make others tell the truth, No one is really okay, O is a little shit, OP is lazy with tags, Rachel is not okay, Ray is sad gurl, Remus is upset, Roman is not okay, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicide, blaming self, there's so much hurt on the way there tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:07:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26505643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceOfTheFandoms/pseuds/AceOfTheFandoms
Summary: She should have been able to stop him.  If she had just been a second faster.....
Relationships: Everyone & Everyone
Series: Rachel!! [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1882483
Kudos: 3





	The Bane of Protectiveness

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to another bad rp ending this one is from an rp with ThatAdorableFox. have fun :)

Rachel wasn’t sure what had gotten Roman to this point, the two now in the subconscious and Roman was at the edge of the cliff. One step away from falling. She couldn’t let him take the last step, but it was seeming like he wouldn’t give her a choice with how he was glaring at her.

“Go away Rachel,” he practically growled at her.

“No, I’m not leaving you, Roman!”

“You’ll have to,” Roman said as he took a step back, off of the cliff. 

Rachel thought she’d be able to stop him. Rachel didn’t think Roman would actually jump. And so she wasn’t ready. It took an extra second to snap out of her shock and follow Roman off the cliff to try to save him. And when you’re racing against gravity, every second counts.

Rachel raced down trying to catch Roman before he hit the ground. She almost grabbed him too, but just as she almost had a grip on Roman, she lost it.

She heard the loud thump before she saw Roman’s body. If O was there, she didn’t even notice, hoping that by some miracle Roman was still alive.

Her hopes were crushed upon seeing Roman’s body. She may have not known as much first aid, but she knew enough that Roman’s body didn’t look right. Not even accounting for the blood starting to pool underneath him, so many bones seemed broken. And Rachel was pretty sure his neck wasn’t supposed to be at that angle

“R-ro. Please this isn’t funny anymore,” Rachel said shaking. She slowly approached Roman, looking for any sign that he might still be alive. ….She found none.

“Oh god,” Rachel sobbed out, backing away. In a fit of panic, she flew off, away from Roman’s body. She couldn’t look at his body anymore. Not when….it was her fault he was dead. If she’d been just a little faster, Roman would still be alive.

Oh god, this was real, Roman was really...Rachel, having barely made it a bit past the cliff, crashed and started sobbing. Roman was dead and it was all her fault. How was she going to tell the others? They’d hate her if they found out.

She still had to tell them what happened though. Rachel tried the best to compose herself as she got up and slowly made her way back to the mindscape, still sobbing as she headed that way.

Virgil found her first. “Ray where have you been?”

The guilt was eating her, how she could have saved Roman. She knew Virgil wanted her to answer but she couldn’t bring herself to speak. All she could bring herself to say was “Roman is dead.”

The next few months were blurry for Ray. She didn’t remember much. 

She vaguely remembered the others worried looks, but she just didn’t think she deserved their worry. It was her fault Roman wasn’t here anymore. 

She started hiding out in her room and only really coming out for meals so she could eat, but they’d keep giving her those looks and the guilt would fill her again so she just slowly started coming less and less unless one of the others, she wasn’t even sure who it was most of the time anymore, dragged her to eat.

She also knew O was still there, still being able to hear him, but it was easier to ignore him considering she stayed locked up in her room. Besides, Roman’s death was probably partially his fault as well.

But...eventually, she couldn’t take everyone trying to help her anymore. She didn’t deserve to be cheered up, not after what she had done.

She wasn’t going to follow Roman’s footsteps, knowing that could hurt Thomas, but as long as she stayed away from the cliff, the subconscious was a good place to hide from the others. Then they could stop worrying about her. She wasn’t expecting to run into the person she was filled with guilt about a few weeks into her hiding out in the subconscious from the others.

“..Rachel what are you doing here,” she heard Roman asked. 

Rachel’s breath hitched upon hearing him. She tried to get up and bolt away only to immediately fall. 

Rachel looked down at her body, not understanding why it wasn’t cooperating. She hadn’t eaten anything….in a while….but sides didn’t need to eat, there was no reason her body should have given up on her like that.

She heard a whistle from behind her and stilled, knowing it was O. “Daang Ro seems like Ray here was trying to run away from you.”

Oh, how Ray wanted to turn around and glare at him. But glaring at O meant she’d have to look at Roman. And she couldn’t stand seeing how angry he must be. And that wasn’t even mentioning how much the guilt was eating at her.

“Shut up O, not the time,” Roman said with a slight sigh. She heard footsteps approach her but refused to turn around to look.

“Ray, how long have you been here?”

Rachel hesitated, honestly not sure how long she had been in here. 

Roman went quiet, maybe talking quietly with O, but Rachel wasn’t sure what he talking to him about. 

“Ray we have to get you back to the others, they’ll be able to help more than I can.”

“Or we could-”

“No O, we are not throwing Ray off the cliff.”

“Fiiinnne.”

Roman leaned down to try to help Rachel up and she flinched slightly at his touch. She felt Roman pause at this, causing the thoughts to start spiraling again and her guilt to rise up.

“Ray, please, you need help, and the others can help you. Please, we need to get you to the others, Ray.”

Rachel didn’t say anything but tried to get up. Only to fall back down as her legs gave out on her. ...How long had she been here?

Roman went quiet again, making Rachel worry again.

“Okay so apparently I’m not solid enough to pick Ray up,” Roman muttered. “But she can’t walk back to the others. ...O, I’m going to see if I can get someone to help Ray, that is not an invitation to try to throw her off the cliff.”

O pouted slightly at that. “You’re no fuuuun”

“No pushing Ray off the cliff,” Roman repeated before heading into the mindpalace for the first time in who knows how long.

“You know you’ve never been this quiet before RayRay,” O said, clearly teasing. “Makes you think you’re up to something, hiding out in the Subconscious like this~”

Rachel refused to respond to him. After all, it was partially his fault that Roman….Another rush of guilt filled Ray as she thought about what happened.

O seemed confused for a second before he seemed to realize something. “..I didn’t do this...did I?” 

Rachel didn’t respond.

“I thought I had,” O said, apparently starting to talk to myself, “But this is...more than what I would have done. It’s almost like someone’s been torturing you,” O hummed.

No that wasn’t right. This wasn’t torture. She deserved this.

Fortunately, Roman showed back up, with someone with him, Rachel wasn’t sure who until she heard them speak up though.

“..Ray,” she heard Remus ask and she flinched slightly upon hearing the confusion and worry in his voice. She hadn’t meant to worry them she just...couldn’t look at anyone without feeling the guilt anymore.

“I found her in here, I’m not sure how long she’s been in here but I know I can’t help her like...this,” Roman said. Ray could tell he was gesturing to himself here without even turning around.

“Alright but you’re explaining exactly what happened as I help,” Remus said. She could tell he was teasing. 

She heard Remus’ footsteps as he approached her. That still didn’t prepare her for getting picked up. And it definitely didn’t stop the squeak the came out when Remus picked her up.

“Alright let’s get you back to the others Ray.”

“You still need to explain exactly what happened Ro,” Remus said with a playful glare.

As soon as she heard Roman start to explain, she tuned out. She didn’t want to hear how much Roman hated her for what had happened. 

She stayed tuning out until she felt Remus stop moving in which she glanced up and immediately flinched at the look of anger on Remus’ face.

“Why are you even helping her Roman,” Remus growled. As he did that the dropped Rachel. Rachel stumbled a bit until she stopped her self and looked up at Remus. She flinched and looked away when she saw the glare he was giving her.

“Remus it’s not like that.”

“You told me she was there Roman. If she was there, she could have saved you.”

Rachel flinched, knowing it was the truth. She could have saved him if she had just been a little bit faster. She had been too slow.

“But Remus-”

“Get one of the others to help. I don’t want anything to do with someone who practically killed you.”

Rachel flinched harder and had to cover her mouth to muffle a sob. Her thoughts surged a bit hearing that, all saying the same thing.  _ He’s right you know. _

And with that, Remus stormed off, probably heading to his room.

Roman cursed under his breath. “Don’t move Ray, I’ll go get one of the others.” And with that Roman rushed off towards the common room. It wasn’t like she had the strength to move anyways….even if she wanted to head back there. 

Before too much longer she heard footsteps approaching her. She glanced up to see Roman leading Janus towards her.

Janus paused a second as he saw her. “You actually found her,” Janus muttered before heading to pick her up. “You know Virgil’s been worried sick about you Ray,” Janus sighed as he gently picked her up. “Thanks for leading her to me Roman. Though I want the full story later.”

“Sorry Jan,” Remus said, shaking his head, “if you have Ray, I need to go check on Remus, he just rushed off earlier and I’m worried about him.”

Janus sighed. “Fine but I want an explanation later.”

Roman must have nodded before he ran off because Janus sighed and went back to the common room.

Virgil was very clearly pacing as they got there. He clearly seemed relieved as he saw Rachel.

“Easy Virgil,” Janus said.

Virgil nodded. “Let’s get you on the couch Ray.”

Janus lightly but Rachel on the couch before heading off to do...something...she wasn’t sure what. Maybe to get one of the others or something. 

“Ray...please don’t do that again,” Virgil said from...wtf when did he move next to her? “I was so worried not knowing where you were this entire time.”

“..Okay,” Rachel said quietly, knowing she was lying.

For the next day, they didn’t leave Ray alone. Logan left a few times to check on Remus and Roman but besides that, Ray was mainly out of it again, only really noticing when food was put in front of her.

It was all fine and good...until the next day. Rachel was still pretending to be asleep when she heard them talking.

“So have we gotten any explanation of what happened from anyone,” Virgil asked.

“No, Roman hasn’t left Remus since he was sure I had Ray, I think they had some sort of fight or something right before,” Janus admitted.

“Ray probably knows,” Virgil muttered.

“I hate to say it..but doing..that might be the best way to find out,” Logan said, speaking up.

“Patton I see the look on your face, and you know I’d only do this if I thought I had another choice.”

“I know kiddo...but still…”

“We’ll just have to wait until she wakes up,” Janus sighed.

Rachel decided to pretend to sleep for as long as she could. After all, if they’d do that once she woke up she wanted as much time with them still caring about her as she could get. After all, once they found out what she had done.

So she pretended to be asleep until she felt someone try to nudge her awake. “Ray, you need to get up, you can’t sleep the day away.”

Rachel grumbled like she was just getting up and sat up rubbing her eyes. “Why not,” she grumbled.

“Because that’s not healthy,” Janus sighed. “...Rachel, can we ask you something before breakfast?”

“Of course, what do you want to know?”

“Did something happen when Roman died?”

Rachel froze and went quiet, not wanting to answer.

Janus glanced around at the others and got a nod from everyone.

“I’m sorry about this Rachel.”

“Wait Janus please-,” Rachel tried to get out.

“Sorry Ray,” Janus said softly as he activated his power, that being the ability to make others tell the truth, “But I need you to tell us what happened when Roman died.”

Without even thinking, Rachel spoke, not being able to stop herself. “I sensed something wrong and upon investigating found Roman over by the cliff in the subconscious. I tried to stop him from jumping but he did anyway. I didn’t think he would actually jump so it took me a few more seconds to jump after him. I couldn’t save him because I was too slow. If I had been faster, Roman would still be alive.”

Rachel was able to snap herself out of it after she finished but it was too late. They already knew. Before any of them had time to react she bolted out of there, not wanting to see the hatred on their faces.

She would have bolted all the way back to the subconscious if you hadn’t heard Roman call out to her.

“Ray what are you doing back here?” 

Rachel froze and turned nervously towards Roman...and Remus..right she had to pass his room on the way back to the subconscious.

“I...the others know what happened when you died now,” Rachel said honestly. “They probably hate me now and I...just couldn’t stay there and see that.”

“The others aren’t going to hate you Ray,” Remus grumbled from where he was laying in his bed. “They could never hate you.”

“They should be though,” Rachel said without hesitating. “Roman’s dead because I couldn’t act fast enough.”

Remus shot up with her saying that. Looking at their faces, both Roman and Remus looked at her with...Rachel wasn’t sure how to describe the looks on their face. Roman had a look of pure…was that horror on his face? Remus seemed to have a look mixed with confusion and dread.

“Sorry for bothering you,” Rachel said to them with a sad smile before heading back to the subconscious before either of them could stop her. Something drew her to the cliff so she decided to sit near it, but far enough away that she wouldn’t accidentally fall over.

She knew her wings probably wouldn’t be able to hold her in the state she was in now if she fell and falling might hurt Thomas. 

“Gonna be honest, didn’t expect you back so soon RayRay,” Rachel heard and immediately groaned.

“I don’t want to talk to you.”

“Aww but RayRay,” O said with a grin.

“I said I don’t want to talk to you,” Rachel repeated, refusing to say anything else to him. She didn’t want to talk to the person who had led Roman to the cliff.

She could practically hear O’s pout as he left. Rachel sighed and curled up slightly. At least here she wouldn’t have to see any of the others. Especially considering they probably all hated her now. It was better to stay hidden here. That way she didn’t have to see how much she hated her.

That’s how it seemed until she heard someone coming her way again. She heard a sigh of relief and immediately tensed knowing who it was. No. Not him. Why did it have to be the person she failed.

“Here you are Ray. Come on everyone’s looking for you,” Roman said.

Rachel shook her head and scooted forward slightly. She couldn’t go back there and see that look on everyone’s face again. Seeing the hatred on Remus’s face had been enough. She couldn’t see it on everyone else's.

She couldn’t see Roman but she heard him pause. “You’re not hurt, are you Ray?”

Rachel shook her head as she scooted a bit further away from Roman. 

“Then what’s wrong Ray?”

“Nothing’s wrong Roman I just..can’t go back there. I can’t see how much everyone hates me now.”

“No one hates you Ray.”

“Why wouldn’t they,” Rachel shouted, getting up and looking at Roman. She could feel tears start to stream down her face. “I couldn’t save you. I- I should have been able to,” Rachel said sobbing, and backing up some more.

She didn’t realize how close she was to the edge of the cliff until she slipped. She tried to catch herself but she was too close to the edge. 

Rachel closed her eyes, expecting the inevitable when she felt someone catch her.

“Don’t worry Ray I got you,” Roman said, not exactly sure how he had Ray from his voice, but she knew that he wasn’t planning on dropping her.

Somehow, neither Rachel nor Roman exactly being sure how, Roman pulled her back up the cliff. 

The second Rachel was back on solid ground she collapsed and started sobbing. 

“Don’t worry Ray, I’ll be here for you,” Roman said. Rachel glanced up, still sobbing as she heard footsteps approach and the others were still there. “We all will.”

The road to forgiving herself would be a long one. She had been blaming herself since Roman’s death after all. But maybe with the other’s help...it wouldn’t be too bad. And maybe with time, forgiveness would be an option. 


End file.
